***** Caution Explicit Language *****
Let me start by saying that I mean no disrespect.
I fully respect that you know more than I do, in relation to anatomy, physiology, human diseases and the medical treatment of such diseases.
I also understand that while all the rest of us went travelling, got jobs and went on the piss during our twenties, you spent it cooped up in the library with flash cards and lived on pot noodle and caffeine.
Based on our conversation last Thursday, when you asked me to bring Elfie to you any time I thought she was sick, instead of discerning myself, I ask you to see things from the other side of the coin.
I spend €55 for a maximum fifteen minute consultation. I presume this because after about ten minutes you start looking at your watch.
Now, I know I talk alot. But that’s because I spend all day conversing with a nineteen month old baby and, if I get the time, WordPress.
As mentioned above, you gave me a bollocking for ‘diagnosing’ my daughter.
You said I should bring her to you every time I think she is ill. In order to put some reality on that, allow me to just look at the last six months.
July: Elfie had a cold that lasted about a week. I brought her to you and you said that there was nothing you could do. We just had to ride it out and use Nurofen if she got a temp. €55.
August: Elfie caught a bug which lasted about three days. €55.
Early September: Another snotty nose. €55.
Late September: Elfie got thrush. I brought her to you and you prescribed the meds and she got better. Thanks. €55 plus about another €50 for medication.
October: Elfie’s thrush took about two weeks to clear. Then she barely ate for a few days.€55.
November: Another runny nose which developed into a ear and throat infection. Trip to the out of hours doc and penicillin prescribed. €65 plus about €20 for medication.
Early-Mid December: Bug. Five days diarrhea and not eating. My niece had it too. My sis in law brought my niece to you and you said it was a virus so I didn’t bother bringing Elfie as she had the very same symptoms and they had been playing together just before the outbreak. €55
Mid-late December: Virus that everyone had over Christmas. Same symptoms. Brian went to you and you told him it was a virus so I didn’t bring her as, again, she had the same symptoms as Brian and everyone else in the family. €55 for Brian and €55 for Elfie.
Early January: Cough that wont go away. MIL says it’s teething cough so I leave it for a while. It is not getting any worse so I believe MIL and then four teeth come through. €55.
Mid January: Cough still there. Very bad at night. Reminds me of the same type of cough I had before I got diagnosed with asthma. The kind of cough that coughing it out just wont bring relief. Cough also gets very bad when I bring her out in cold weather (like today). So I go to you. You say she’s not bad enough to prescribe anything so to bring her back next week should she get worse. €55.
Here I am, four days later. Her cough has not got worse and yet it still is not improving.
So, had I have brought Elfie to you, every time she had an ailment- without me using any sort of discernment, I would have forked out about €700 (including meds) in just six months.
WOWZER. I can’t even begin to imagine how much it would cost if we were a family who caught anything other than the odd common bug here and there.
On top of that, what a kick in the teeth to be told that there is nothing you could prescribe for, what, about €500 of that amount?
You are a nice guy and I am fond of you, but despite that, considering the mood I am in, and in relation to your request that I bring Elfie to you every time I think there is something wrong with her, I would like you to ask my fucking bollox!
And when you think I am diagnosing her I would like to let you know that I am not looking at her symptoms- I am reading her eyes, her body language and her mood.
I just know when something is amiss because she lived inside my body for ten and a half months.
You will never understand that bond because you don’t have a womb.
I am guessing that you aren’t a father.
Right now, I’d put my money on asthma but I can’t even afford to make a bet because I am anticipating the costs involved in getting her diagnosed.
Please do understand, though, I am very open minded to you diagnosing her with something else and telling me that I am wrong, the uneducated loaf that I am.
Despite this open minded-ness, however, I am simply not happy with ‘bring her back next week if she gets any worse’.
Oh, and by the way. When a person with a history of endogenous depression (it’s on your computer) tells you they think they are feeling some of their old symptoms, dont tell them to ‘come back next week and we’ll see how you are then’ because by then I’ll have spent that €55 on ten tubs of Ben & Jerry and still feel like fucking shit.
But in fairness, at least B&J gives me a sense of value for money.
Even if only for a fleeting full-to-the-brim, nearly in a coma moment.
Anyway, gotta go and try to squeeze my rage out before I step back in to your office with the same fucking symptoms as we had four days ago.
Only this time I’ll have to pay €80 for a double consultation.