Sometimes its hard to translate my internal world into words.
I’m like a whirlwind inside, most of the time. Intense, gianamasauros feelings float around my being- not even attached to any thoughts.
I realised today that this chaos inside me has escalated because I haven’t been able to exercise to my usual intensity the last three weeks.
I’ve been comfort eating rings around myself and now my hernia is acting up and, as if that wasn’t enough, I think I may have an abscess or something horrible starting around my wisdom tooth area.
Something is trying to get me to just STOP.
Comfort eating is always the first sign that something is just not right, for me. Some might even call it destructive eating, because it rarely brings me comfort.
I know exactly what is ‘not right’, right now and I would love to talk about it here but I don’t think you’d be at all interested and sometimes too much information really is too much information, am I right?
I thought thrice about posting this but then I figured what’s the point in only writing when things are good? That’s not life. Life is a mix of good and bad days- even when your bad days are simply ‘first world problems‘.
Aside from the daily positives- fine blue sky, nice warm coat, healthy happy toddler etc- I think the lack of exercise has me dropping slowly into the beginnings of a winter depression.
I haven’t felt this for so long. I have been managing it really well for about three years- even through the stress of infant minding.
When I start feeling this way I always hear this dark looming voice ‘Winter is coming‘, like in Game of Thrones.
For those of you reading this, who have never experienced depression personally I’ll just summarise my experiences for you. It is the most intense dark cloud floating around your inside and you can’t see the wood from the trees. It is the loneliest time of your life, no matter how many good people are around you. Sometimes, just getting out of bed feels like the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. Your self worth takes a nose dive. Sometimes you might get paranoid and read into everything everyone says, make unnecessary enemies and start creating invisible reasons why someone or some people might not like you. You can’t get the words to express what the feeling is. Sometimes, your motivation is so low you just don’t care anymore. The self-loathing voice gets strong during these times and it’s hard to switch it off once the cloud clears. Often, you just function through the day, like a zombie. There in body but your spirit is… sleeping.
I don’t feel all of the above right now and a lot of my current feelings have to do with a situation out of my control that will soon pass, but whenever I feel like this it reminds me how many other people out there could be feeling some of the above and more. I will never forget the time in my life where all of the above consumed my everyday experience. Thankfully, it has been a long time since then.
I like to write about it so others realise that they aren’t alone. 1 in 10 people in Ireland experience it, according to Aware.ie.
My biggest hope is that a person who knows someone with depression will read this. I can’t say what you can do to help but all I can ask is that you try to respect it for what it is and please don’t undermine or invalidate what the person is going through. Some of the happiest people in the world are hit with depression, me included. Everyone experiences it differently and everyone heals differently. Some people take to the bed while others function normally and it seems from the outside as if it weren’t there. But it is.
So here is my action plan that you might like to look at, if you are feeling a little bit like ‘Winter is coming‘:
- I have realised now how much the intense exercise has been keeping my chemical balance on track. As soon as my circumstances allow it, I will be diving back in. Until then I will continue with the walking. Exercise is definitely the most important ingredient in managing depression naturally.
- Positive Mental Attitude- Force it, even when I feel like I can’t.
- I need to dig out my Valkee.
- I have been stocking up on my Jan de Vries and Bach flower essences.
- I have been to my homeopath and stocked up on a lovely remedy.
- I have to get back into writing again- for sanity’s sake.
- I need to surround myself with positive people.
- I have to re-read this post I wrote last year about beating the Winter blues.
- I also have to re-read this one too about co-operative living and letting go of negativity.
NB: The above action plan is not meant to treat depression nor is it a replacement for medical advice. It is my way of managing mild endogenous depression. If I were to experience it beyond occasional mild bouts I would go straight to my GP. I also have discussed my ‘action plan’ with my GP and always keep her updated on where I am at. Point being, be responsible when treating something naturally.
As always, thanks for reading and I ask you to bear with me! I have lots of posts on the way and just going through the editing- they’ll be ready soon!