This is a fictional piece
I am born. I eat, sleep, poop and piddle. I open my shutters and see these magnificent, colourful and unique eyes smiling back at me. I bring happiness. My soul mission complete. Just being me, I make people smile. Especially adults. Even the broken ones who carry a lot of pain, anger and sorrow. Happiness, joy, love, peace. Heaven on Earth! My mission is complete.
I learn to move and to talk, a little, and the smiling eyes are sometimes filled with anxiety, worry and frustration. I struggle to understand these crashing waves inside of me. In fact, some eyes show contempt at my not being, saying or doing what they want or expect from me. I bring frustration, anxiety, contempt. This is not my soul mission. What am I doing wrong?
I am a person now, I can speak for myself. Sometimes my beloved still looks at me with happiness and joy. I like toys, sweets and money. I also like painting and drawing and being with my friends, although, I don’t always like sharing. I am not fully out of the ‘me’ zone yet but I do feel shame when you point out where I am going wrong with those eyes or that voice or just plain and simple with those words. I like having my needs fulfilled but can’t keep up with my desires. I want to experience everything. I have learned to control the waves inside of me. They haven’t gone anywhere but I must hide them away so that I don’t experience the rejection and shame for having tidal waves crash throughout my whole being. I have learned to be seen and not heard. That is the safest place to be as I can then avoid those eyes of disapproval from outsiders and eyes of embarrassment from my beloved. This is not my soul purpose. I am beginning to forget.
I am alone yet I am surrounded by lots of people. My beloved now has eyes for the new baby. I no longer create joy in people’s eyes, only frustration and sometimes pursed lips. The tidal waves have increased and I struggle to control them. I have learned words for them. Anger, frustration, jealousy, neglect, loneliness, sadness, fear. The waves are no longer connected to my voice box, though. I don’t know how to get them out of my body. I feel so alone. Nobody loves me. This is not what I came here for. I WANT TO GO HOME! This is not my soul purpose. I have forgotten why I am here.
I have learned to control the waves. I don’t feel them so much anymore. It’s more like a deep sad lake breeding lots of midges that bite me every now and then which provoke various chronic illnesses and things like headaches, IBS, depression, arthritis, lethargy. But the difference is that I’m not alone anymore. Most adults I know also live with a silent lake and forgotten mission inside of them. I find some things help like smoking, alcohol, food and other stuff like spending money and watching TV helps me separate myself from what used to be a live ocean. Sometimes I have moments where I feel so sad I touch the lake inside and it starts to ripple. I feel so alive in those moments but I struggle to keep them going. It doesn’t move fast enough and I don’t have it in me to commit to the necessary changes. I just want someone divine to intervene, just once it doesn’t change things too much though. When I am happy I will change. I am in my comfort zone. This is not my soul purpose and I have forgotten why I am here but, I don’t really care anymore. I am too busy.
No one takes joy from me anymore. I have stopped offering it. Truth is, I lost it. I am now the one giving looks through my thoughts. I became those that broke me and continued the cycle. That grating scream in the middle of the supermarket. That kid obviously manipulating his parents. That toddler clearly looking for control. That teenager just standing there being a teenager. The jerk in the car overtaking me on a busy road and then braking in front of me. That annoying person who annoyed me no matter what- just being themselves. Urgh! how annoying. That happy go lucky hippy being at peace with themselves. That successful person. That spiritualist living in zen. That old person trying to spark up conversation at the bus stop. That old friend trying to get in touch. Delete. That junkie. That person with that opinion. That person that looks like they were dragged through a hedge backwards. That uneducated person with no opinions. Urgh! That uneducated person having opinions. That foreigner. That minority with their weird culture. That bad parent. That tree should be dug up cos it might fall and if it falls it’ll destroy everything so let’s dig it up and build a concrete path over it.That know-it-all. Oh and worst of all- that person that is happy with their lot. Ha! Can’t they see A, B & C wrong with their life? That bully? I am a victim of the world! I am sure this isn’t my soul mission but sometimes I am doing it without realising, you know, judging and expecting everyone to be whatever I deem most appropriate. Fool on them for not reading my thoughts. I shouldn’t have to spell it out, like. Idiots.
Well, it happened. I burst. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Now I feel kind of empty but relieved at the same time. I feel a little bit excited. Today, something happened. See, truth is, no matter what I have done in my life there has always been someone there to steal away that moment with a look, a tone or a smirk. When I became that person I saw it. Today, I watched a toddler’s face right in that moment where they were no longer the focus of all joy. It was a split moment and nothing to us- by us I mean adults. I was just a split moment of frustration. The difference was, the adult got down to eye level and told the tot that they were in the wrong, that they were stressed and shouldn’t have taken it out on the tot. That the tot didn’t deserve to be spoken to that way. The adult apologised to the tot and asked them forgiveness. The tot smiled and moved on to the next moment. Healed. I am not a fool, that tot’s heavenly joy will be destroyed by some other adult but it made me realise two things. 1. That we adults have the power right now to change the cycle of abuse (even the most minute forms of it like a simple look or tone of voice that steals a childs inner power). 2. I am responsible for me. Even if that screaming child is agitating me, it’s not their fault that I feel that way. In fact, I think that if I hadn’t a ‘proverbial’ infestation of nibbling midgets I wouldn’t even notice. That child ‘manipulating’? I am envious of their ability to have their needs met. That jerk overtaking me on a busy road? Who cares? Let him. That weird culture? Does it really make me feel better to judge them? No. It is a false sense of superiority. That happy person? They reflect to me everything I am not. It is easier to destroy someone else’s happiness with a smirk or a tone or a rumour than it is to get up of my own rear and find my own happiness.
So, I burst. My lake has drained. There is something shifting inside me. Like Earthen plates. Time for a change. My atoms have evolved and the stagnant ones are disappearing. I can feel it. The waves. The waves. Oh the beautiful waves. Frightening and exciting at the same time. I have left behind all those looks, tones and stagnant minds- my stagnant mind. I am alone and am soaring. I can feel it. The tidal wave of joy and love. The peace. The bliss. I am home. I am me. I am free. I lost my soul mission but I have found it again. To have meaning. To be something to someone. To be love to someone. To be joy to someone. To be peace to someone. Let me be as free as the ocean. Let me be my soul purpose. Let me be like a child again- the wisest of souls on the planet.