As I am reading blogs re-capping on 2013 and preparing for the New Year resolutions, I have been stretching my mind in regards to end of year contemplations.
I still haven’t quite put these feelings into thoughts just yet so I know I really need to sit in the quiet for a while.
This evening, I was cooking the dinner in peace (as Robotman is still on his Christmas holidays) and got to thinking of many different conversations I have had over the year, along with my own fairly intense healing that I have gone through.
One blessing I have had was the wonderful two year old in my life keeping me from taking to the bed and feeling sorry for myself.
That brings me on to some thoughts I had today regarding some frustrations I have had RE regurgitating the same old problems over and over again. Sometimes they were my problems and sometimes they belonged to others.
At first I was quite intolerant of this non-productive stage in the healing process. Ever the pragmatist, I will only do something if there is a reason for it, hence my frustrations.
This stage I speak of is the stage of apathy- or victimhood.
Just before the real healing begins we live in apathy.
We moan, complain or whinge. No matter who gives us the solutions to our problems, in this prelude to healing our aim is not to heal but to dwell in our broken-ness.
Sometimes we are righteous victims. Sometimes we are victims of our own thinking, pre-conceptions and defensiveness.
Sometimes the two intertwine.
The one thing I do know about this phase is that on the surface it is non-productive but at the same time it is essential ground work to get us to the next stage.
I think of it as a resting phase preparing us to climb the mountain that is healing.
It is processing. We are processing our pain. Often, our mind needs to do this work before our pain is released to our wiser self for healing.
I think that is backward, though and I am reminded of a Caroline Myss quote:
The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. All we have to do is quiet the mind
I am back to quiet again. Maybe that really is the answer.
I think of the advice or healing I have given over the past year.
It frustrates me when I give solutions or try to open up the next step beyond dwelling in the complaint. I really dislike complaining- not that I don’t indulge in it. I extra dislike repetitive complaining or finding something new to complain about once the original complaint has been resolved, dissolved or maybe even evolved.
I have come to think that when people are complaining of problems to you they are not looking for solutions or advice. They are simply processing.
To listen. To just simply listen and hear the person, we can enable them to walk through this stage.
To talk through them, to advise and give solutions we might be putting up blockages at this essential stage of healing.
Solutions have a place in the sequence later on but is often wasted on the apathetic stage.
There is a flip side to this coin though.
Some people get stuck in apathy. Do not we all at some stage in our life?
So stuck that you can spend months or even years listening to their or your own suffering. This is so draining, especially when you think you are trying to heal or just get on with trying to create a happy life for yourself.
That’s the thought I had tonight- when we are in apathetic mode do we actually want to heal or do we want to live in the wound?
How do we know when we are ready to actually start healing?
Thing is, it is a lot easier to just live in our victimhood. It really is.
It is so so so unbelievably hard to mentally, emotionally and spiritually heal from even the smallest human experience.
To forgive. To let go. To let everything and everyone just be.
To let assholes be assholes. To let crappy circumstances just be. To just accept the present as it is.
We are delicate, complex creatures with so many levels beyond understanding.
So, if we are not aware of our apathy we are at risk of dwelling on it for a little too long.
Apathy is good for processing but it is not in any way productive long term.
Long term apathy- even in times of righteous victimhood- creates bitterness.
It becomes cyclical and we become victim to our own thoughts and processes. It grows.
We start to find problems in other things. Misery loves company, as the phrase goes, only it is more often in our own mind that misery finds it’s companions.
I wonder, on a smaller scale, if failed New Year’s resolutions are a result of our ‘stuck-ness’.
Time and time again we fall back in to old habits.
New habits are just too much effort to keep.
But the question I am asking myself in this process is: Am I ready to let go?
Let go of my stuck-ness.
A lot of my apathy has fallen away these last few months. Significantly since I started letting go of my victimhood- as a victim of harmful relationships and a victim of my daughter’s birth. Both cases started as righteous victimhood but I was not innocent in either and in that circumstance it was my thoughts, beliefs and pre-conceptions that exasperated all that happened to me on the other end.
That is were self-responsibility comes in.
On the smaller scale of New Year’s resolutions self-responsibility is the key. No one else can do it for us.
Often the desire is not a result of the specific resolution- it is just the desire for happiness that through changing we bring ourselves closer.
Change is the key. We need to let go of the past. We need to let go of pre-conceptions and damaging belief systems in order to move forward into Newness.
It’s amazing what making the dinner in quiet can bring up in us eh?