If I were an animal I’d have snuck off under a bush by now.
I can feel my energy dropping. Not physical energy. Energy energy.
When ‘energy energy’ drops it’s not a bad thing like when our physical energy drops and we feel exhausted.
When ‘energy energy’ drops you feel yourself slinking deeper into your body. There is something a little primal about it.
I can feel every single thing going on deep inside and I have this sensation flowing down my legs.
I am relaxed. I get a dose of oxytocin every day- sometimes twice!
I just feel this release of the love drug pumping through my head, flowing down and I get all lovely dovey. I stop what I am dong and I bask in it.
I can feel my cervix softening and little niggling pains here and there.
The doctor has confirmed baby has engaged and I am feeling closer and closer.
This pregnancy I have been listening to my tracks religiously, completed a Gentlebirth workshop with the lovely Sylda of Alphabirth, and I have been keeping up to date with the online Gentlebirth community which has been an amazing support.
The difference this time is that I have no fear of childbirth. I am excited for it.
When I get braxton hicks my body just melts. Isn’t that amazing? Over the last few months I have been listening to self hypnosis tracks that have been planting little seeds about relaxing relaxing relaxxxxx-ing into the pain or ‘sensation’, as you train yourself to believe, and here I am melting into these braxton hicks and actually feeling pleasure with excitement sometimes. Mind over matter. You really experience mind over matter with Gentlebirth.
I never thought I would feel this way at the end. I knew Gentlebirth would work but I never thought it could have gotten in so deep. To go from a post-traumatic anxious nervous wreck shaking in the hospital waiting room to this chilled out oxytocin filled mama utterly amazes me.
The thing about Gentlebirth is that it is not just about self hypnosis. I thought that was it last time round.
It educates. It educates women about navigating the current system (which is under huge scrutiny right now) and about evidence based practices. Most of our maternity services focus on hospital policy rather than WHO recommendations, evidence based practices and not even our own governmental guidelines have been implemented in most units. It just gives women the opportunity to question advice and be a little more informed rather than to go along with it blindly.
Because, in fairness, medical intervention during birthing is irrefutably violating and really shouldn’t be done unless mama or baby are at risk. Not relatively speaking at risk. Medically proven at risk. Also, not CTG says at risk, with it’s ridiculously high false positive rates. On top of that, it also shouldn’t be done to fit within hospital schedule expectations.
I have gone from wanting to labour at home alone with no one near me other than my loved ones to confidently looking forward to going in to the hospital and utilising the skills of my midwife who I hope will be a gentlebirth fan. I have a lot of hope. I just have to trust that all will be well. I realised recently that I can either withhold my trust or give it.
If I withhold it I will set myself back weeks and stop that ever so shy oxytocin from being produced. If I take a chance and trust my caregivers then I have a better chance of having a more effective body without all that ‘what if’ worry.
I find being honest with my caregivers really helps them understand me. I have told them that I am very defensive of the hospital and medical staff. I have told them I sometimes fantasise of having an unassisted birth at home. I think it’s important that I keep my end of the spectrum open. I need them to know where I am coming from- that my trust was annihilated and abused so much last time that I would rather risk my scarred womb and baby at home than go in to a hospital and experience it again. Of course, this is no longer the feeling I have. And I credit that to Gentlebirth and the amazing online community of mothers who are sharing their gentlebirth stories with us hopefuls. I also have to credit my hospital for doing all they can to accomodate me and have bent policy to allow me use the MLU and labour pool despite my being a VBAC.
I have found this hospital to be as open minded to my preferences as they possibly can. They too want me to have a spontaneous, natural, gentle birth. But they also have to keep everything else running smoothly and ensure everyone is safe and well. I understand that.
At the moment, I am just trusting my body. Another gift from Gentlebirth. I have reconnected with my body and I can feel everything that is going on as it ever so slowly prepares itself for the big deliverance.
In the meantime, I am spending less and less time online. I am enjoying this new pace of life too much and find online activity takes me away from this primal experience.
So, for now, I say goodbye and I’ll be in touch when the time is right.
As always, thanks for reading and talk to you soon.