Raising Elves

As wild as nature. Myself, parenting and natural remedies blog.

The dark side of motherhood

20 Comments

I don’t miss a day of gratitude for my blessings. It echoes out of me in waves of intense devotion.

So, I feel guilty when I feel this.

I’ve had post natal depression for a few months now.

I recognised it early and went straight to the doc.

We’ve played around with dosage and still haven’t found the right one (suitable for breastfeeding).

The anti-d that fixed me the last time is not suitable for breastfeeding.

I thought this one was keeping me afloat but it’s not, really.

I’m surviving.

I’m too busy to be depressed.

Then there are occasional days when the cloud suppresses me to the point where I just can’t, or sometimes don’t want to, breathe anymore.

I can’t cry, I can’t think, I can’t possibly iterate the depths this icy fog goes within my soul, eating me.

It’s nothing.

There is nothing wrong with me or my life. I have no reason to feel this way.

But it’s there, nudging me to the edge.

I look at my children and I feel intense love.

Then the three year old starts pushing boundaries like any three year old should and my patience lasts about five seconds.

Then there’s the guilt because right now I am being a shit mother.

Deep down I want to go within. I want to be alone. I don’t want to converse or play or feed anybody. I just want to feed myself for a while, but I can’t. I use food to mimic this but food just numbs my stomach where these feelings reside and when my stomach is empty this dark dog growls through my bones so I eat more even though I know I’m not hungry.

Pnd is a lonely road. Depression fullstop is a lonely road.

You don’t talk about it because there’s nothing to talk about really, it’s just chemistry.

It feels like nobody understands or everybody forgets because you’re able to get out of the bed, smile and socialise. You’re able to hide it.

It stays hidden until you are sitting in a quiet room, feeding your infant, and the walls start moving toward you.

Or when your buttons are pushed and you yell or scream or bang things to just shut the world up and get everyone away from you.

I seek God, Spirit, ANYTHING that can take this away and I get no relief.

And then tomorrow I’ll get up to my two girls and ignore it all again because I can’t let it out while they are near.

And I don’t want to let them go because I’ll miss them and a few hours without them does nothing to heal me.

I know this will pass.

I know it’s just chemistry.

I know that they are just feelings.

I’ve already got a plan of action.

But do you know what? Sometimes these things just need to be said.

(I’ve written a follow up to this post here)

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20 thoughts on “The dark side of motherhood

  1. I hear you, my friend, I hear you xxx

  2. Listening here too. It must be so very very hard, and to know it will end some day is no real help in the here and now. Rant away. There is a lot to be said for writing. I have found writing and walking my only salvation when life became just too hard.
    Hugs. I can be of no help, but am here to read and to listen whenever you chose to share.

  3. It’s such a dark road to travel but you’re by no means alone in these feelings. Write it out, rant it out, do whatever you can to make it through the day and i hope tomorrow is a better one for you.xx

  4. I hear ya hunni, big love and hugs xx
    Depression is so lonely but try reach out even just telling someone “I’m feeling really depressed and on the verge of crying” can help you don’t even have to have a conversation, just say it. I’m always here for you too I hope you know xx

  5. Hearing you loud and clear. So sorry you haven’t found meds that work for you yet, they’ve been an absolute lifesaver here so you’re a complete hero for keeping breastfeeding when its the tougher option! Lots of hugs and the email is always open x

  6. I was depressed after my twins were born and they were six months before I finally realised. For me it was like a fog and it took a long time to lift.
    You describe it all so well and bring me back to that time. It definitely helps to talk about it. Take care 😉

  7. Thinking of you Laura and sending good vibes your way xxx

  8. You’ve explained it perfectly. I refused to recognise it and struggled on believing I’d never feel any different. That it was just my new job now and I was crap mother. It took a kind doctor who asked how I was that broke me. I bawled. Its something I didn’t talk about then and very rarely do now. Sending hugs xx

  9. So sorry to hear this. Been there and totally understand and so hear for you. Hopefully you get better soon xxx

  10. It’s like you wrote down what is in my head

  11. Pingback: That eye of the storm moment in motherhood | Raising Elves

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