I don’t miss a day of gratitude for my blessings. It echoes out of me in waves of intense devotion.
So, I feel guilty when I feel this.
I’ve had post natal depression for a few months now.
I recognised it early and went straight to the doc.
We’ve played around with dosage and still haven’t found the right one (suitable for breastfeeding).
The anti-d that fixed me the last time is not suitable for breastfeeding.
I thought this one was keeping me afloat but it’s not, really.
I’m too busy to be depressed.
Then there are occasional days when the cloud suppresses me to the point where I just can’t, or sometimes don’t want to, breathe anymore.
I can’t cry, I can’t think, I can’t possibly iterate the depths this icy fog goes within my soul, eating me.
There is nothing wrong with me or my life. I have no reason to feel this way.
But it’s there, nudging me to the edge.
I look at my children and I feel intense love.
Then the three year old starts pushing boundaries like any three year old should and my patience lasts about five seconds.
Then there’s the guilt because right now I am being a shit mother.
Deep down I want to go within. I want to be alone. I don’t want to converse or play or feed anybody. I just want to feed myself for a while, but I can’t. I use food to mimic this but food just numbs my stomach where these feelings reside and when my stomach is empty this dark dog growls through my bones so I eat more even though I know I’m not hungry.
Pnd is a lonely road. Depression fullstop is a lonely road.
You don’t talk about it because there’s nothing to talk about really, it’s just chemistry.
It feels like nobody understands or everybody forgets because you’re able to get out of the bed, smile and socialise. You’re able to hide it.
It stays hidden until you are sitting in a quiet room, feeding your infant, and the walls start moving toward you.
Or when your buttons are pushed and you yell or scream or bang things to just shut the world up and get everyone away from you.
I seek God, Spirit, ANYTHING that can take this away and I get no relief.
And then tomorrow I’ll get up to my two girls and ignore it all again because I can’t let it out while they are near.
And I don’t want to let them go because I’ll miss them and a few hours without them does nothing to heal me.
I know this will pass.
I know it’s just chemistry.
I know that they are just feelings.
I’ve already got a plan of action.
But do you know what? Sometimes these things just need to be said.
(I’ve written a follow up to this post here)